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'EDITION, 


PVERTURE   OF   SELECT  TEXTS. 


"  THERE  are  of  madmen  as  there  are  of  tame, 
All  humored  not  alike.    Some 
Apish  and  fantastic."  DKKKEK. 

"  Strike  out !  and  the  world  shall  revere  us 
As  heroes  descinded  from  heroes." 

HON.  JOHK  MORISSEY 

"  Verily,  is  he  not  a  man  and  a  Bother  ?" — H.  Q-. 

"  Tygh  hygh,  tygh  hygh  !    0  sweet  delight ! 

He  tickles  this  age  who  can ; 

Calls  Tullia's  ape  a  marmosite, 

And  Leda's  goose  a  swan." 

BRITISH  BIBLIOGRAPHER. 

"  Passengers  who  hence  would  journey 
Unto  St.  Thomas,  Brazil,  Savannah,  or  Havana, 
Will  comfort,  speed,  and  safety  much  insure 
By  passage  taking  on  our  lines  of  steamships, 
The  office  being  at  5  Bowling  Green." 

GARRISON  &  ALLKH 

"  There  is  a  chain  of  causes 
Linked  to  effects  ;  invisible  necessity, 
That  whate'er  is,  could  not  but  so  have  been." 

DRYDEN. 

14  There,  I  told  you  so  ! " 

A  VETERAN  OBSERVER. 

"  Read,  ye  that  run,  the  awful  truth 
With  which  I  charge  my  page."  COWPKR. 

"  Marry,  come  up !  as  of  bells  there  is  a  din- 
Friends,  let  us  dine."  W.  STUART. 

"  I  hold  that  man  a  fool  who  would  his  life  imperil 
For  a  woman  who  lores  him  not." 

W.  SHAKESPEARE. 

"  Ah !  that  is  the  mystery 
Of  this  wonderful  history."  SOUJCHEY. 

"I  hath  not  seen  it,  my  gentle  boy." 

J.  R.  OSGOOD. 

"  Human  nature  is  full  of  inconsistencies." 

LEWIS  LKLAXC 

"  Take  this  in  good  part,  whatsoever  thou  be, 
And  wish  me  no  worse  than  I  wish  unto  thee." 

TUSSKR. 


T   T  T^  T^  T  CP  TT       T    A   TkT  T7°  * 

T    ]  T     T^      T^      T       T       TT  T    .    rA     Y\P     T\ 

vX_J  Ju  Uu      uu      JU    Uu    JuJO         JLJ  ul/  Ou  JU  i    JLOu  M 

OR, 

LUNACY. 

BY    O.    H.   WEBB. 
T'Rd.TIONS    &T   SOL    J&rTIJVG&,    J 

QUOTATIONS      BY      VARIOOS      AUTHORS. 


For  in  this  world,  to  reckon  every  thing, 
Pleasure  to  man  there  is  none  comparable 
As  is  to  read  with  understanding 
In  books  of  wisdom.     They  ben  so  delectable 
Which  sound  to  virtue,  and  ben  profitable. 

TRKVISA  . 


,    £99 


MDCCCLXVI. 


TO    THE 


WHO    FIRST    PUBLISHED    THIS    TRAVESTIE     IN    THE    NEW-YORK    TIMES,    AND 

WHO   HAS   CUT   OUT    MORE,    PRINTED   LESS   OF,    AND   UNIFORMLY   PAID 

BETTER     PRICES     FOR     MY    CONTRIBUTIONS    THAN    ANY    OTHER 

EDITOR   LIVING,  THIS   LITTLE   VOLUME    IS    RESPECTFULLY 

DEDICATED 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1S66,  by 
C.    H.  WKBB, 

lu  the  Clerk's  Office  of   the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the  Southern 
District  of  New- York. 


P3  315? 

W&     1,5 
H/H'M 


OF        XPLANATION, 


FOB  the  leading  idea  of  this  little  story,  let  me  frankly  con 
fess  that  I  am  indebted  to  Mr.  Charles  Reade.  LIFFITH  LANK 
is,  in  great  measure,  the  legitimate  offspring,  or  rather  offshoot, 
of  "Griffith  Gaunt,"  which  will  account  for  any  similarity  that 
there  may  be  between  the  two  ramifications.  For  the  general 
style  and  the  typographical  effects  introduced,  I  am  also  indebted 
to  Mr.  Reade  ;  but,  having  said  thus  much,  all  is  said.  For  the 
illustrations  I  am  only  indebted  to  Eytinge — not  having  yet 
paid  that  eminent,  excellent,  and  patient  artist  for  his  labors.  .  . 
Originally  published  in  the  New- York  Times,  I  was  persuaded 
to  consent  to  the  republication  of  the  travestie  in  its  present 
form.  And  I  will  take  this  occasion  to  say,  that  I  am  ready 
and,  in  fact,  eager,  to  be  persuaded  to  consent  to  the  republica 
tion  of  any  thing  I  have  ever  written — provided  some  one  else 
can  be  found  to  incur  the  expense  and  risk.  If  my  little  book 
amuses  the  public,  I  shall  be  pleased  ;  if  it  pays,  I  shall  be 
more  than  pleased  ;  for 

"  My  soul  is  not  a  palace  of  the  past, 
Where  priest-worn  creeds,  like  Rome's  gray  Senate,  quake, 
Hearing  afar  the  Vandafs  trumpet  hoarse. 
The  time  is  ripe  and  rotten  ripe  for  CHANGK. 
Then  let  it 


ILLUSTRATIONS. 


PORTRAIT  OF  KATB.— In  this  cut  the  cross-cut  given  to  the  eyes  by  the  artist,  ia 

particularly  noticeable. 
THB  FOX-HUNT.— Showing  how  well  Kate  was  calculated  to  overlook  things  about 

a  house — or  a  hedge. 
THE  DPEL. — Illustrative  of  what  a  woman  can  do,  if  she  chooses,  and  can  manage 

to  borrow  a  piebald  charger. 
THE  DKCLARATION.— Liffith  leaning  against  the  turret,  and  establishing  a  life-lien 

on  Kate. 
THK  LADY'S  MAID.— Mrs.  Ryder  dressing  her  mistress'  hair  — combing  it  rather 

strong. 
THE  MODERN  CRADLE. — Mercy  points  to  it — Liffith  sees  the  point,  but  does  not 

like  the  game. 
DRAGGING  THE   MERE. — A  mere  fancy  sketch,  executed  by  Eytinge  in  a  pensive 

and  retrospective  hour. 
THE  APOTHEOSIS. — Showing  what  a  man  may  achieve  if  he  has  the  industry  to 

marry  two  wives,  and  some  one  to  right  him  up  after 

ward — especially  designed  for  the  example  and  encour 
agement  of  young  men. 


OR, 


A    TAJL.E    TELA.T    HE    WHO    RUNS    3VCA.Y 


I,  then,  that  losel  shall  never  blacken 
my  boots  again !" 

"  Say  I,  then,  they  are  my  boots,  and 
not  yours,  and  that  faithful  serving-man  shall 
brighten  them  whenever  he  will." 

The  gentleman  and  lady  who  indulged  in  this 
little  interchange  of  compliments  before  break 
fast  were  man  and  wife,  and  had  loved  each 
other  a  Little  but  not  Long.  Scant  the  encour 
agement  to  matrimony  which  my  opening  epi 
sode  affords,  but  the  Great  Artist's  duty  is  im 
perative — et  mtam  impendere  vero  ! 

Here  a  little  explanation  is  necessary — not  of 
my  Latin,  for  that  will  be  found  among  the 
"  Words,  Phrases,  and  Quotations  from  Foreign 


8 


LIFFITH   LANK. 


Languages "  in  the  appendices  of  all  modern 
dictionaries — but  of  my  plan.  In  medio  tutis- 
simus  ibis  :  Safety  lies  in  the  middle,  both  in 
parting  hair  and  beginning  stories.  On  that 
hint  I  have  acted.  .To  begin  now  with  the  be 
ginning  : 

Miss  Katrine  Phaeton  was  a  young  lady  of 
Cucumberland,    born    of  rich   but   respectable 

parents.  Her  hair 
was  golden,  her  eyes 
gray.  She  had  a 
fashion  of  doing  up 
the  former  that  puz 
zled  her  rivals,  and 
of  using  the  latter 
that  bewildered  her 
victims.  The  secret 
of  her  chignon  was 
known  to  none.  As 
for  her  eyes,  she  had 

Kate  Phaeton  and  her  eyes.    (Photographed    a      Way      of      turning 

them   on   slowly,  as 

careful  housewives  do  gas,  so  that  the  victim 
could  not  fail  to  observe  two  things  :  first,  that 
they  were  grand  and  beautiful  orbs,  though  the 
pupil  was  without  a  master  ;  secondly,  that  they 
were  overlooking  him  instead  of  looking  at  him. 
Some  persons  would  have  thought  her  cross 
eyed — but  it  was  only  a  way  she  had. 


LIFFITH    LANK.  9 

So  contemplated  by  such  curious  eyes,  a  man 
feels  queer.  He  doesn't  know  whether  he  is 
being  looked  at  or  not. 

She  was  rather  charitable,  and  made  no  bones 
of  giving  all  the  cold  victuals  about  the  house 
to  the  poor.  All  she  required  in  return  from 
those  around  her  was,  that  they  should  be  Ro 
man  Catholics,  and  do  precisely  as  she  wished 
them  to  do  in  every  thing.  Singularly  enough, 
much  uglier  and  richer  girls  married  on  all  sides 
of  her,  but  this  eccentric  beauty  remained  Miss 
Phaeton  at  two  times  twenty. 

She  hunted  once  a  month,  and  was  at  home 
in  the  saddle — but  did  not  give  her  receptions 
there.  So  admirably  balanced  was  her  charac 
ter,  that,  notwithstanding  her  love  of  the  manly 
sport,  she  had  no  ambition  to  be  a  jockey  nor 
a  groom.  But  one  day  they  drew  Yewtree  Bow, 
and  out  shot  a  fox.  A  hedger  saw  him  shoot, 
and  gave  the  view  halloo  ;  and  away  across 
country,  like  new  brooms,  swept  dogs,  horses, 
and  men.  But,  notwithstanding  all  this  enum 
eration,  Dux  fcemina  facti  —  and  so  it  was, 
Deuse  takes  the  hindmost. 

It  was  a  gallant  chase,  and  our  dreamy  vir 
gin's  back  got  up.  Her  golden  hair  streamed 
and  her  gray  eyes  watered,  as  lithe  and  blithe 
she  sat  upon  her  great  white  gelding,  riding 
over  huntsmen  as  well  as  hounds,  and  jump 
ing  ditches  and  hedges  where  the  stoutest  stee- 


10 


LIFFITH    LANK. 


pie-chase  riders  of  the  county  were  stuck  and 

staked. 
Having  outridden  and  jumped  over  everybody 

and  every  thing,  Miss  Phaeton  was  naturally 

soon  next  to  the  fox,  and  saw  that  sagacious 

animal  when  he, 
not  wishing  to  be 
run  over,  glided 
into  Dogwood  Un- 
dermore.  The 
huntsmen  and 
hounds  were  at 
this  time  so  far 
in  arrears  that 
they  mistook  the 
great  white  geld 
ing  for  the  fox, 
and  the  back-hair 
of  the  dreamy  vir 
gin  for  his  brush. 
Sat  Miss  Phae 
ton  so  long  and 
still  upon  her 
horse  at  the  cor 
ner  of  the  under 
wood,  that  she 
fell  into  a  deep 

How  Kate  overlooked  Poxes  and  things— the         reverie,      and      did 
Great  White  Gelding  point,  ^      ^      ^      fox 

when  he  stole  out,  though  her  eyes  were  bent 


LIFFITH    LANK.  11 

in  that  direction.  The  fox  thought  she  was  look 
ing  at  him,  but  here  the  peculiarity  of  those 
grand  and  beautiful  orbs  made  itself  apparent — 
she  was  overlooking  him.  Huntsmen  and  hounds 
were  swearing  and  tearing  in  all  directions,  but 
Miss  Phaeton  sat  quietly  and  turned  over  in  her 
head  a  plan  for  converting  all  the  world  to 
Roman  Catholicism.  Not  so  her  horse.  He 
plunged  and  then  didn't,  and  then  trembled  all 
over  and  planted  his  forefeet  together  at  this 
angle  \  .  At  the  same  moment  he  slanted  his 
hind-legs  thus  /.  The  following  was  then  the 
position  :  /  \.  It  may  be  mathematically  stated 
thus  :  X-tN^O 

So  braced  he  could  not  move  a  peg  ;  a  horse 
divided  against  himself  can  not  stir — quod  erat 
demonstrandum.  But  he  looked  a  deal  more 
statuesque  than  any  three  statues  in  England — 
as  may  readily  be  imagined.  And,  by  the  by, 
the  gentlemen  who  carve  horses  in  our  native 
style,  did  they  ever  see  one  in  that  fix — out  of 
a  picture-book? 

The  wliipper-in  came  up  and  was  somewhat 
surprised  at  the  attitudes  of  both  horse  and 
rider.  From  that  of  the  former  he  thought  that 
the  fox  had  popped  out ;  from  that  of  the  latter 
that  Liflith  Lank,  who  was  in  the  neighborhood, 
had  either  popped  or  was  expected  to.  It  never 
occurred  to  his  simple  soul  that  a  meeting  of  the 
hounds  could  be  converted  into  a  meeting  of  the 
Congregatio  de  Propaganda  Fide. 


12  LIFF1TH    LANK. 

However,  a  huntsman  came  np  and  made  bold 
to  touch,  his  hat,  and  ask  her  if  she  had  seen 
nothing  of  the  fox. 

She  toyed  with  the  horn  that  hnng  at  her 
girdle,  looked  him  dreamily  in  the  face,  and 
replied,  "Yes." 

He  blew  his  own  horn  lustily,  and  asked 
which  way  Pug  had  gone.  Upon  which  Miss 
Phaeton  looked  him  dreamily  in  the  face  again 
and  made  answer  that  she  did  not  know. 

"But  didst  not  say  thou  saw'st  him?" 

"Not  so,  sweetheart,"  said  she,  laying  her 
hand  upon  his  arm  softly  and  smiling  sweetly. 
"  You  asked  had  I  seen  nothing  of  the  fox,  and 
I  replied,  yes — and  I  have  seen  nothing  of  the 
fox." 

Thereupon  the  huntsman  took  a  small  but 
sizable  flask  from  his  pocket,  put  it  to  his  lips 
and  wound  another  horn,  for  he  now  saw  what 
the  dreamy  virgin  was  at.  He  understood  that 
she  had  overlooked  the  fox. 

"Couple  up  and  go  home  to  supper!"  said 
Miss  Phaeton,  sublimely  disregardful  that  it  was 
not  supper- time,  and  of  the  object  which  had 
brought  forty  dogs  and  men  and  horses  and  her 
self  to  the  field.  "The  fox  is  in  his  hole  by 
this  time."  And  touching  spur  to  her  horse,  she 
jumped  over  the  astonished  huntsman's  head, 
and  cantered  slowly  home  across  country,  as 
though  nothing  had  happened. 


LIFFITH    LANK.  13 

"  Courage,  mes  amis  /"  remarked  the  huntsman 
to  his  friends,  as  he  rearranged  the  Amidon 
which  the  hoof  of  the  great  white  gelding  had 
grazed  and  damaged,  thinking  the  while  that  it 
was  the  Fall  fashion,  and  had  cost  ten  dollars — 
"  Courage,  mes  amis,  le  diable  est  mort  /" 

Miss  Phaeton  had  not  ridden  many  miles  when 
Liffith  Lank  galloped  up  to  her  side.  In  expec 
tation  of  this  event,  she  had  been  holding  in  her 
impatient  horse  for  the  last  half-hour. 

"Is  it  you,  Liffith ?' '  she  cried,  with  a  sudden 
start  of  surprise  ;  c  *  who  would  have  thought 
it!" 

Mark  you  the  woman  there.  Why,  think  you, 
the  grand  and  "beautiful  orlbs  overlooked  the  fox 
when  he  broke  cover  at  Dogwood  Undermore  ? 
Why,  think  you,  she  broke  up  the  hunt?  Let 
me  whisper  it  to  you  in  small  type — 

The  fox  was  not  her  little  game ! 

0  THE  SEX! 

Slowly  they  galloped  along  together,  the  white 
gelding  leading.  For,  in  this  instance,  Liffith' s 
gray  mare  was  not  the  better  horse. 

"Kate,"  spoke  Liffith,  "I've  been  courting 
you  nigh  upon  three  years,  and  now  there's  an 
other  lad  come  into  court.  Mayhap  you  think 
me  a  ladder.  It  is  time  you  said  me  yes  or  no. 
I  love  you,  Kate,  and  how  could  you  be  so  cruel 
as  love  any  other  man  ?  There,  let  me  get  off 
my  horse  and  lie  down  on  the  stubble,  and  you 


14  LIFFITH    LANK. 

ride  over  me.  I  would  rather  have  you  tram 
ple  on  my  ribs  than  below  the  belt ;  but  choose 
your  own  turnpike,  Dearest — and  any  way,  I've 
a  policy  of  insurance  against  accidents  in  my 
pocket.  Wilt  have  me,  Kate?" 

(That  was  the  way  they  made  love  on  horse 
back  in  the  middle  ages,  before  the  invention 
of  parlors  and  easy-chairs  and  bay-windows  and 
turbine  water-wheels.) 

Miss  Phaeton  turned  her  glorious  eyes  upon 
her  lover.  uWhat  think  you,  Liffith,  of  the 
Doctrine  of  Transubstantiation  ?"  said  she  soft 
ly,  looking  him  dreamily  in  the  face. 

Liffith  muttered  a  word  which,  under  the  cir 
cumstances,  might  be  called  an  allowable  rhyme, 
and  dashing  the  spurs  into  his  horse,  rode  fierce 
ly  away.  A  casual  observer  might  have  thought 
Miss  Phaeton  was  looking  after  him.  Not  so  ; 
the  peculiarity  of  those  grand  and  beautiful  orbs 
again  came  in  ;  she  saw  but  the  moon. 


LIFFITH    LANK.  15 


CHAPTER  II. 

IS  PHAETON  rode  home  and  found 
another  lover's  horse  at  the  gate.  She 
smiled  :  "Two  beaux  on  a  string  are 
quite  as  good  as  two  strings  to  a  bow,"  thought 
she. 

Old  Joe,  the  groom,  who  had  served  long  and 
faithfully  in  the  family  on  board  wages,  hobbled 
out : 

"Mistress  Kate,"  said  he,  "have  you  seen 
Liffith  Lank  anywheres  ?' ' 

The  young  lady  colored  at  this  question,  and 
replied  she  didn't  know.  This  was  one  of  wo 
man'  S  WHITE  LIES. 

"But  why?"  she  asked. 

"Why?"  repeated  old  Joe,  "all  the  girls  in 
town  be  runnin'  after  un  now.  The  blinds  be 
down  at  Bolton  Hall,  and  they  do  say  as  'ow 
the  old  Squire  be  dead.  Here  be  a  letter  sealed 
with  black  for  Master  Liffith." 

Miss  Phaeton  took  the  letter,  opened  and  read 
it.  The  news  was  brief  but  good,  and  the  grand 
and  glorious  orbs  brightened.  Old  Mr.  Churl- 
ton  was  dead,  and  Liffith  was  heir  to  Bolton 
Hall.  Carefully  resealing  the  letter,  she  told  Joe 


16  L  IF  PITH    LANK. 

to  drop  it  into  the  post-office,  and  bolted  into  the 
house. 

In  the  hall  she  met  George  Neverill.  He  was 
a  young  man,  handsome  and  accomplished  ;  had 
traveled  on  the  Continent  and  in  America  ;  had 
made  love  to  all  the  women  he  met,  and  was  in 
nowise  troubled  with  bashfulness  nor  doubt  of 
his  own  merits  and  good  looks. 

"I  love  you,  Kate,"  said  he^  putting  his  arm 
round  the  young  lady' s  waist.  ' '  I  love  you  bet 
ter  than  I  loved  Mimi,  or  Marguerite,  or  Isabella, 
or  Beatrice,  or  Dorothy  Jane — the  latter  being  a 
native  of  Maine.  And  the  pride  of  Cucumber- 
land  and  pearl  of  all  other  lands  has  but  to 
say  the  word  to  be  mistress  of  my  heart  and  of 
Honiton  Grange.  Wilt  be  my  wife,  Kate?" 

Honiton  Grange  suggested  Honiton  lace,  and 
the  lines  of  the  young  lady's  mouth  relaxed. 

There  was  a  sound  as  of  "P'weep,"  a  succes 
sion  of  similar  sounds,  decies  repetita  placebit — 
and  Miss  Phaeton  dreamily  wiped  her  lips. 

"Wilt  do  me  a  favor,  George?"  said  she. 

"Ay,"  replied  he,  "an'  it  be  not  to  shave 
my  head  and  turn  priest." 

"  Seest  yonder  horseman,  on  the  gray  mare  ? 
He  is  leaving  the  country.  Ride  after  and  bring 
him  back." 

"  Ay,"  and  George  Neverill  left  with  alacrity. 

But  he  returned  with  alacrity,  and  came  in 
without  rapping. 


LIFFITH    LANK.  17 

"Is  not  yon  gentleman  Liffith  Lank?" 

"Ay,"  said  Kate  quietly. 

"And  you  wish  I  should  bring  him  back  to 
you  that  you  may " 

"Marry  him,"  put  in  Kate,  looking  dreamily 
in  his  eyes. 

George  Neverill  reached  out  his  hand  and 
shook  hers  warmly. 

"I  admire  coolness,"  said  he,  "and  this  suits 
me  exactly.  But  go  after  him  you,  and  ride  my 
piebald  charger." 

"You  are  a  preux  chevalier"  said  Kate; 
"excuse  me  a  moment,"  and  vanished — promis 
ing  to  be  back  in  five  minutes. 

George  Neverill  stood  alone.  "  (7'  est  un  pen 
fort"  muttered  he  to  himself.  Five  minutes 
passed,  fifteen,  twenty,  thirty,  sixty ;  it  was 
hard  upon  his  dinner  hour,  and  there  was  none 
to  ask  him  to  tarry  and  dine.  Mounting  Miss 
Phaeton' s  horse  which  stood  at  the  gate,  he  rode 
thoughtfully  home,  telling  old  Joe  it  was  all 
right,  and  giving  him  a  shilling  to  drink  to  his 
wedding  with  Miss  Phaeton. 

In  the  mean  while,  Kate  had  overtaken  Liffith, 
and  explained  to  him  that  she  would  "think 
about  it."  He  at  once  promised  to  build  a  nun 
nery,  to  take  the  vail  himself,  if  it  would  at  all 
avail  or  conduce  to  her  happiness,  and  all 
around  them  were  to  be  Roman  Catholics. 

In  a  delightful  frame  of  mind,  Miss  Phaeton 


18  L1FFITH    LANK. 

rode  home,  and  on  learning  that  Gfeorge  Never- 
ill  had  waited  her  return  until  the  last  stroke  of 
the  dinner  hour,  averred  her  belief  that  he  was 
a  good-natured  and  handsome  fellow.  On  being 
told  that  he  had  ridden  the  white  gelding  away, 
her  face  fell,  but  only  for  a  moment.  "  The  pie 
bald  charger  is  much  the  better  of  the  two,"  said 
she,  and  sat  joyfully  down  to  dinner. 


CHAPTER  III. 

JlVILIZATION  has  many  meters.  Some 
times  these  meters  imbrue  their  hands  in 
each  other's  blood — and  all  for  the  want  of 
an  international  copy-right.  But  for  information 
on  this  head,  let  me  refer  you  to  my  book  called 
the  Eighth  Commandment.  In  the  present  one — 
my  Masterpiece — I  intend  to  treat  only  of  the 
Seventh  and  its  infractions. 

The  reader  will  readily  infer  that  this  is  not  a 
child' s  book — especially  a  little  girl' s  book.  It  is 
not  a  boatful  of  pap,  and  paps  should  be  careful 
about  introducing  it  into  the  nursery.  Prcemon- 
itus  pr&munitus. 

Nice  the  row  when  George  Neverill  rode  into 
the  yard  of  the  Roebuck  on  Miss  Phaeton' s  great 
white  gelding. 


LIFFITH    LANK. 


19 


"  You  are  a  liar,  and  a  scoundrel !"  cried  Lif- 
fith,  striding  up  to  him. 

It  was  hard  to  be  worsted  in  a  horse-trade  and 
then  accosted  in  this  abrupt  way  by  a  rival. 
George  Neverill  ground  his  teeth—as  though  he 
would  make  meal  of  his  adversary.  The  rivals 
measured  each  other  from  head  to  foot,  (with  a 
small  tape-line  which  was  kindly  furnished  by 
one  of  the  waiters,)  and  Liffith,  finding  himself 
a  half  inch  the  taller,  hesitated  no  longer,  but 
struck  straight  out  from  the  shoulder. 

Amid  the  darkness  which  overshaded  Never- 
ill' s  vision  this  glittered  : 


Dost  recognize  the  constellation,  gentle  reader  ? 
There  are  other  Southern  Crosses  in  our  universe 
besides  Mulattoes. 

"It  is  Never  too  Late  to  Mend,"  said  JSTeverill, 
as  he  picked  up  his  broken  nose  and  left  the 
ring. 


20  LIFFITH    LANK. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

HE  very  next  day,  Mr.  Chouseman  took 
advantage  of  an  errand  in  the  neighbor 
hood,  and  rode  over  to  see  Miss  Phaeton. 

Mr.  Chouseman  was  a  highly  respectable  solici 
tor,  who  had  obtained  the  position  of  trust  and 
confidence  he  occupied,  by  riding  around  the 
country  on  convenient  errands,  and  inducting 
young  lady  acquaintances  into  the  secrets  of  his 
clients. 

So  the  very  next  day  he  rode  over  to  Miss 
Phaeton,  and  told  her  she  was  in  luck. 

' '  How  ?' '  queried  she. 

"Two  young  men  are  going  to  fight  a  duel  to 
the  death  for  you." 

"  Liflith  and  George?"  she  carelessly  asked, 
cracking  a  hickory  nut  with  her  white  and  deli 
cate  teeth. 

"  Ay  ,  and  both  have  made  their  wills  in  your 
favor.  So  if  either  be  killed— 

"  And  if  both  ?"  ^gaid  Miss  Phaeton,  with  the 
old  dreamy  look  in  her  eyes. 

"You  have  two  estates,"  said  Chousemau, 
rubbing  his  hands.  ^ 

"But  not  one  husband,"  remarked  Miss  Phae- 


LIFFITH  LANK. 


21 


ton  thoughtfully.  "  Tell  them  to  saddle  the  pie 
bald  charger,"  she  immediately  cried,  turning  to 
an  attendant. 

The  two  combatants  were  on  the  ground,  ear 
nestly  wishing  that  some  peace  officer  would  come 
in  and  arrest  an  affair  which  had  already  gone 
quite  far  enough  to  be  pleasant.  Two  shots  had 
been  exchanged,  to  the  imminent  peril  of  the 
seconds,  who  had  both  posted  themselves  behind 
trees  while  giving  the  word  for  the  third  fire. 

"Are  you  ready?'7 
(  "Yes." 
("Yes." 


A  Jewel  of  a  Girl,  doing  the  polite  at  a  Duel. 


22*  L1FFITH    LANK. 

At  this  moment  the  piebald  charger  stepped 
quietly  in  and  stood  between  the  leveled  pistols. 
There  were  two  simultaneous  reports.  Miss  Phae 
ton,  who  never  believed  reports,  paid  no  atten 
tion  to  either,  but  caught  the  bullets  gracefully, 
one  in  each  hand,  and  returned  them  with  her 
compliments  to  the  two  duelists. 

Liffith  upon  his  scratched  these  words  : 
fti  love  Mate!" 

and  swallowed  it.  This  act  of  gallantry,  and  the 
patent  fact  that  he  was  entirely  in  the  wrong  in 
the  quarrel,  moved  Kate  in  his  favor. 

"  How  sweet  !"  she  cried. 

"Ay,  Sugar  of  Lead,"  muttered  the  Scotch  sur 
geon,  who  happened  to  be  none  other  than  our 
old  acquaintance  in  the  hard  cash  times,  Dr. 
Sampson. 

Neverill  didn't  make  much  out  of  the  ball ;  but 
he  swopped  horses  again,  and  got  back  the  pie 
bald  charger. 


CHAPTER    Y. 

so  blind  as  those  that  CAN'T  see ! 
A  pleasant  party  was  assembled  in  the 
late  Mr.  Churlton's  parlor  to  hear  the 
will  read. 

To  his  faithful  servants  the  deceased  gentleman 
left  a  shilling  each  ;  to  an  illegitimate  son  his  old 


LIFFITH     LANK  23 

clothes,  cut  in  the  fashion  of  a  preceding  genera 
tion,  and  the  family  seal ;  to  Liffith  Lank  a  lock 
of  his  hair,  and  to  Miss  Phaeton  all  the  balance 
of  his  estate,  real  and  personal. 

Among  others  who  came  to  congratulate  Miss 
Phaeton  came  Liffith,  sorrowful  and  seedy.  She 
looked  at  him  a  moment,  more  in  sorrow  than  in 
anger.  Point  <V  argent,  point  de  Suisse  ;  no 
money,  no  point  lace  and  Swiss  muslin,  thought 
she,  but  her  better  nature  prevailed.  There  was 
enough  for  two,  and  her  life  was  monotonous ; 
theretofore  her  amusements  had  chiefly  consisted 
in  working  figures  of  the  saints  on  samplers,  and 
confessing  to  Father  Francis.  A  husband  would 
be  a  pleasant  variety,  she  thought. 

And  Neverill  helped  the  thing  along.  He  pro 
posed  that  she  should  give  Liffith  all  of  his  and 
her  property,  and  marry  him — Neverill.  Again 
the  peculiarity  of  the  grand  and  beautiful  orbs 
came  in.  Kate  looked  him  dreamily  in  the  eyes, 
but  she  did  not  see  him 

Nor  did  she  see  IT 

So  she  wrote  Liffith  a  note,  asking  him  to  call 
on  her  as  soon  as  convenient,  and  to  come  sober. 

Unfortunately  Liffith,  on  receiving  the  note, 
was  so_  drunk  that  he  could  not  read  it.  How 
ever,  a  kind  and  sober  parson,  named  Eden,  read 
it  for  him.  After  lying  in  a  snow-bank  for  an 
hour  or  two,  which  made  him  feel  quite  fresh  and 


L IF FIT H    LANK. 


comfortable  and  presentable,  lie  contrived  to  stag 
ger  beneath  Miss  Phaeton' s  window. 

She  put  her 
lovely  head  out, 
utterly  regardless 
-of  the  climate, 
the  season,  and 
a  neuralgia,  to 
which  she  was 
subject  of  old. 
" Art  there?"  said 
she.  "  Speak, 
dearest." 

Straightening 
himself  up 
against  the  tur 
ret,  honest  Liffith 
hiccoughed,  ' '  I 
(hie)  I  (hie)  I  love 
(hie,  hie,  hie) 


hie, 


Popping.— Showing  what  the  extract  of  Pop-corn 
does. 


Kate,    (hie, 
hie,    hie.)" 

The  thing  was  done,  and  Kate  was  captivated. 
Wrong  in  the  quarrel,  poor  as  a  crow,  drunk  as 
a  beast,  and  every  body  urging  her  to  marry 
somebody  else,  her  affections  at  once  centred  on 
Liffith. 

So  the  next  morning  Neverill  got  a  note,  the 
contents  of  which  ran  much  as  follows : 


L  IF  FIT  II    LANK.  25 

"It  having  suddenly  occurred  to  me  that  you  would  like  to 
marry  me,  I  have  consulted  Liffith — to  whom  I  have  been  en 
gaged  for  three  years  past — and  he  thinks  you  would.  Brother 
Leonard  sees  nothing  wrong  in  it,  inclining  to  view  it  as  a  lauda 
ble  ambition ;  but  Liffith  and  Father  Francis  view  the  matter  in 
a  different  light.  For  my  part,  I  am  very  much  surprised,  for  I 
have  done  nothing  to  deserve  such  treatment.  But  I  forgive  you. 
Farewell.  Be  virtuous,  join  the  Roman  Catholic  Church,  and  you 
will  be  happy. 

"  P.  S. — I  am  afraid  you  will  think  me  a  coquette,  but  I  do  not 
think  I  am  one. 

"  P.  P.  S. — I  wish  you  would  get  me  a  few  skeins  of  worsted 
of  the  inclosed  pattern. 

"  P.  P.  S. — If  you  shaved  your  head,  perhaps  you  would  feel 
etter." 

"  And  what  answer  will  you  make?"  said  Fa 
ther  Francis,  who  delivered  the  note. 

" Answer!  I'll  not  waste  a  postage-stamp, 
i'  faith,"  growled  George. 

"But  I'll  carry  the  message,"  said  the  priest. 

"Then  here's  my  reply,"  said  George,  grinding 
his  teeth,  (perhaps  because  he  couldn't  have  a 
mill  with  his  rival,)  "  she's  old  enough  to  under 
stand  French,  if  she  doesn't.  Tell  her. 

"  Le  jeu  ne  vaut  pas  la  chandelle." 
"  I'm  not  the  first  sold  by  a  damsel." 

And  with  that  he  walked  moodily  away.  He 
looked  at  the  sky,  and  the  stars  seemed  to  smile 
at  his  anguish.  Cold  and  pitiless,  the  pale  moon 


26 


LIFFITH    LANK. 


looked  down  upon  Ms  woe.  Longingly  he  looked 
for  a  sign  to  assuage  the  grief  which  gnawed  at 
his  heart.  Suddenly  his  eye  brightened. 

Would  you  behold  this  great  discovery,  the 
same  in  magnitude  and  appearance  as  it  met  the 
eyes  of  the  first  discoverers,  dragged  with  a  rake 
from  the  bottom  of  a  bay,  opened  with  a  knife, 
and  swallowed  by  an  adventurous  mortal,  after 
successive  generations  had  passed  it  by  without 
deeming  it  succulent  ? 

Then  turn  your  eyes  hither,  for  here  it  is.  Sold, 
in  the  cellar  he  found  compensation. 


LIFFITH    LANK.  27 


CHAPTER  VI. 

IFFITH  made  a  tolerably  good  husband, 
as  husbands  went  in  those  days.     Gen- 
erally  he  was  able  to  get  up -stairs  after 
dinner  without  more  than  two  servants 
to  assist  him,  and  he  very  seldom  got  into  bed 
without  taking  off  his  boots.     When  he  did,  he 
was  especially  careful  to  remove  his  spurs. 

On  one  occasion,  when  Liffith  forgot  himself 
with  both  spurs  and  boots,  Mrs.  Lank  remon 
strated  with  him ;  but  he  turned  upon  her,  and 
called  her  A  PRURIENT  PRUDE,  and  threat 
ened  to  drag  her  before  the  public ;  seeing  her 
error,  she  confessed  it.  On  the  whole,  their  mar 
ried  life  rippled  on  about  as  happily  as  ever  mar 
ried  life  does. 

The  main  trouble  was  about  "help."  Mrs. 
Lank  was  prejudiced  against  good-looking  cham 
bermaids,  and  Liffith  was  opposed  to  Roman 
Catholic  serving-men,  who  excelled  in  polish  in 
every  thing,  except  in  the  matter  of  polishing 
boots.  This  brings  us  to  the  opening  of  our 
story. 

"I  say,  the  hussy  shall  pack,"  Mrs.  Lank  had 
remarked. 


28  LIFFITH    LANK. 

She  had  asked  him,  a  few  seconds  previously, 
to  bring  out  his  mol  da  gamba.  Alas  !  her  speech 
had  the  effect  of  bringing  out  a  vial  of  wrath  ! 

' c  Say  I,  then,  that  losel  shall  never  blacken  my 
boots  again." 

"Say  I,  then,  they  are  my  boots,  and  not 
yours,  and  that  faithful  serving-man  shall  bright 
en  them  whenever  he  will." 

Here  Mrs.  Lank  was  wrong.  Because  she  paid 
for  the  boots,  by  no  means  did  it  follow  that  throw 
them  she  should  every  morning  in  her  husband's 
face.  ]STor,  strictly  speaking  by  the  letter  of  the 
law,  were  they  her  boots,  whether  paid  she  for 
them  or  not.  As  well  have  claimed  his  breeches, 
might  she,  and  these  she  could  no  more  have  filled 
than  his  boots.  Aut  nunquam  tentes,  autperfice. 

Besides,  for  the  matter  of  that,  they  were  not 
boots  at  all;  they  were  A  PAIR  OF  HOB 
NAILED  SHOES. 

Sometimes  Liffith  thought  that  he  had  got  an 
elephant  on  his  hands — that  he  might  as  well  have 
married  Mademoiselle  D'jek — for  at  times  he  did 
indeed  feel  much  dejected — and  been  a  Jack  of 
all  Trades  at  once. 

Mrs.  Lank  had  in  her  employ  a  lady  named 
Ryder — and  ride  her  mistress  she  did  with  a  ven 
geance.  In  combing  Mrs.  Lank' s  long  and  beau 
tiful  hair,  she  tangled  and  pulled  it  viciously ; 
capillary  attraction  exerted  its  force  to  soften  her 
obdurate  heart  in  vain.  Ask  you  why  Ryder 


LIFFITH    LANK.  29 

was  so  relentless  and  remorseless?  She  loved 
Liffith,  and  pulling  his  wife' s  hair  was  the  only 
way  she  had  of  showing  it.  Causa  lateL  vis  est 
notissima. 


Combing  it  rather  strong. 

In  short,  Ryder  was  a  Dangerous  Female,  and 
I  would  not  like  to  ride  alone  with  her  on  one  of 
the  English  railways,  where  the  carriages,  you 
must  know,  are  small,  and  seldom  filled.  Not 
content  with  pulling  out  her  mistress' s  hair,  she 
was  always  and  forever  putting  fleas  in  her  mas 
ter' s  ear. 

It  may  not  have  "been  "before  remarked  "by  our 
reader,  "but  Liffith' s  chief  "besetting  sin — aside 
from  his  unfortunate  habit  of  getting  drunk — 
was  lunacy.  On  the  subject  of  priests  he  was 
monomaniacal.  He  had  a  way  of  strangling 


30  LIFFITH    LANK. 

them  when  they  ventured  upon  his  grounds, 
which  was  not  only  inconvenient  to  the  priests, 
but  distasteful  as  well  to  his  wife,  who  had  a  re 
markable  respect  and  fondness  for  the  cloth — 
sending  them  soups  and  gravies  till  one  might 
have  thought  it  was  a  table-cloth. 

And  Ryder  was  always  egging  him  on. 
"  One  day  she  nagged  and  egged  him  so  much 
that  he  determined  to  break  the  yolk.  So  he 
collared  a  poor  devil  of  a  priest,  with  whom  his 
wife  happened  to  be  discussing  the  vicarious 
powers  of  the  Pope,  and  shook  and  trampled 
him  till  there  was  seemingly  no  life  left  in  him. 

Black  and  blue  and  livid,  those  who  picked 
the  poor  priest  up  thought  he  was  suifering  from 
an  attack  of  the  Malignant  Collarer. 

So  Liffith,  thinking  he  had  killed  his  man,  fled 
the  county,  taking  with  him  all  his  wife's  jewels. 
In  his  desperation  he  never  drew  bridle-rein  till 
he  reached  an  inn  in  the  next  county,  a  good 
twenty  miles  away,  called  the  "Packhorse." 
(Why  he  did  not  go  further,  know  I  not,  but  per 
chance  he  was  fearful  of  faring  worse.)  There  he 
proceeded  to  unpack,  and,  having  nothing  better 
to  do,  fell  to  drinking  on  an  empty  stomach,  until 
he  drank  himself  into  a  brain-fever. 

LifRth  was  always  in  luck,  and  at  this  inn  he 
found  another  woman  with  grand  and  beautiful 
orbs.  But  this  was  a  dove-eyed  angel.  When 
Mercy  Vintner  looked  at  things  she  saw  them, 


L1FF1TH    LANK.  31 

which  was  more  than  could  be  said  of  Mrs. 
Lank. 

Had  not  Liffith  possessed  the  constitution  of  a 
horse,  he  would  have  succumbed  to  the  fever. 
And  perhaps  it  was  because  of  his  possessing 
the  constitution  of  a  horse  that  a  farrier  suc 
ceeded  in  curing  him  after  a  regular  physician 
had  given  him  up.  Similia  similibus  curantur. 
Any  way,  what  with  Mercy's  nursing,  and  the 
glauber  and  aloes  which  the  farrier  prescribed 
for  him,  Liffith  got  sufficiently  well  to  decline 
wearing  the  shroud  which  a  kind  old  lady  was 
embroidering  for  him,  and  call  for  a  shirt. 

The  next  thing  he  called  for  was  a  parson,  and 
he  and  Mercy  were  made  one,  much  to  the  delight 
of  the  parents,  who  thought  that  such  a  son-in- 
law  behind  the  bar  would  bring  custom  to  the 
"  Packhorse."  Had  they  known  his  habits,  they 
would  have  trembled  on  trusting  him  with  the 
keys.  For  than  Liffith  there  were  few  squarer 
drinkers  in  the  county. 

The  farrier,  who  had  been  engaged  to  Mercy, 
came  in  just  as  the  ceremony  was  over.  For  a 
moment  he  stared  woefully  at  the  picture,  and  then 
said  very  dryly :  "I  am  too  late  for  the  wedding 
and  too  early  for  the  funeral,  methinks." 

"That  you  be,  Paul,"  said  Mrs.  Vintner  cheer 
fully,  "  she  is  meet  for  your  master." 

"If  he  be  taken  sick  again,. the  devil  may  dose 
him, ' '  growled  Paul,  and  leaving  the  room  in  dis- 


32  LIFFITH    LANK. 

gust  he  withdrew  his  custom  from  the  ''Pack- 
horse"  forever.  On  being  asked  the  reason,  he 
replied  that  he  did  not  like  the  new  Bar-Keeper. 


.      .,    _  CHAPTER  VII. 

fi 

||f^IFFITH  might  have  shown  his  gratitude 
to  Mercy  in  a  better  way  than  marrying 
her,  when  he  knew  very  well  that  he  had 
a  wife  and  child  in  the  next  county. 

It  was  scarcely  the  right  thing  to  do  ;  for  there 
is  a  popular  prejudice  against  a  man  having  two 
wives,  and  one  should  always  endeavor  to  con 
form  to  the  customs  of  society.  But  I  am  writing 
of  a  period  with  which  Fielding  dealt,  and  can 
not  forget  my  double  character  of  moralist  and 
artist.  "Liffith  Lank"  is  no  worse  than  "Tom 
Jones"  or  "Ferdinand  Count  Fathom."  So, 
while  all  these  fellows  are  batting  at  me,  why  do 
they  not  do  a  little  Fielding  ?  This  tale  hath  float 
ed  the  "Argosy,"  and  sustained  the  "Atlantic." 
The  reader  will  remark  that  I  have  floated  the 
floater.  In  deference  to  the  absurd  prejudices  of 
society  I  have  already  omitted  a  great  deal  that 
would  have  added  to  the  interest  of  the  story  and 
its  success  among  the  masses — exempli  gratia, 
the  Mrs.  Potiphar  business  between  Ryder  and 
Liffith.  All  this  I  intend  to  publish  in  a  sequel,  if 


L  IFF  ITU    LANK.  33 

the  matter  can  "be  satisfactorily  arranged  with 
my  publishers.  And  it  can  be,  without  doubt. 
For  it  is  a  mistake  to  suppose  that  I  consult  them 
or  any  one  else  regarding  the  morality  of  what  I 
write.  The  only  thing  I  discuss  with  them  is 
bulk  and  price — principally  bulk.  For  I  am  an 
artist  as  well  as  a  moralist,  and — ars  longa,  etc. 
— my  art  chiefly  displays  itself  in  the  length  of 
my  stories.  Verbum  sap. 

To  return  to  my  story.  Matters  did  not  go  on 
very  thrivingly  at  the  "Packhorse"  after  the 
marriage.  The  prudent  parents,  who  had  thought 
that  Liffith  was  a  highwayman,  and  would  bring 
purses  home  occasionally,  found  to  their  great  dis 
appointment  that  he  was  a  gentleman,  and  exceed 
ingly  awkward  behind  the  bar.  Moreover,  he 
drank  like  a  fish ;  nay,  he  drank  not  like  a  fish, 
for  a  fish  drinks  but  water,  and  little  of  that 
drank  Liffith.  It  was  ale  and  sack  and  sherry 
possets,  until  every  thing  was  empty.  He  drank 
them  out  of  house  and  home,  and  creditors  threat 
ened  to  sell  out  the  "  Packhorse." 

Reproached  by  Mr.  Yintner,  Liifith  requested 
the  old  man  to  cease  his  taunts,  and  proposed  to 
buy  him  out.  To  this  a  ready  agreement  was 
made,  for  the  "Packhorse"  was.  old,  and  the 
sign  needed  new  painting,  and  the  custom  was 
poor.  The  best  customer  about  the  house  was 
Liflith,  but  he  did  not  even  charge  himself  with 
what  he  drank. 


34  LIFFITH  LANK. 

The  question  of  price  was  soon  settled  ;  that  of 
bulk  had  already  been  disposed  of,  for  it  was  in 
bulk  that  the  inn  was  bought,  and  the  only  thing 
that  remained  was  payment.  It  became  a  ques 
tion  of  cash— 

VERY  HARD  CASH. 

At  mention  of  this,  Liffith's  face  fell.  For  he 
had  spent  all  the  money  he  took  from  the  priest 
at  leaving,  and  what  he  had  raised  from  selling  and 
pawning  his  other  wife' s  jewels.  Suddenly  a  bril 
liant  idea  occurred  to  him.  He  would  go  back  to 
that  other  wife  and  borrow  of  her  enough  money 
to  set  himself  and  this  one  up  in  business.  So  it 
is  the  words  of  the  old  song  came  true, 

u  Nous  revenons  toujours 
A  nos  premiers  amours." 

And  he  saddled  his  great  black  horse  and  set 
off  to  see  the  other  Mrs.  Lank.  His  father-in-law, 
who  thought  he  was  going  out  to  the  high  road  to 
follow  his  old  trade  of  "  stand  and  deliver,"  bade 
him  God- speed,  but  the  dove-eyed  angel  sighed. 
For  he  might  come  to  grief,  thought  she,  and  it 
would  not  be  pleasant  to  be  widow  of  a  man  who 
was  hanged. 

Liffith  delayed  two  days  upon  the  road,  for  he 
began  to  feel  he  was  riding  on  an  awkward  errand 
Having  turned  over  in  his  mind  the  way  he  should 
conduct  the  disagreeable  but  necessary  business, 
he  determined  to  conduct  it  upon  business  prin- 


LIFFITH    LANK.  35 

ciples  only,  and  if  collaterals  and  an  indorser 
were  required,  to  get  his  father-in-law  to  back  his 
paper. 

Singularly  enough,  he  found  his  wife  exactly 
where  he  had  left  her.  She  was  looking  carefully 
over  the  ground,  in  accordance  with  her  usual 
custom,  to  find  the  purse  that  had  "been  dropped 
in  the  scuffle  with  the  priest.  Aside  from  "being 
dressed  in  a  magnificent  Irish  poplin,  she  was  not 
much  changed  from  what  Liffith  remembered  her. 
Ryder  had  not  pulled  all  her  golden  hair  out, 
and  she  was  still  a  passable-looking  woman. 

She  threw  herself  on  Liffith's  neck,  panted 
on  his  shoulder,  and  asked  him  what  was  the 
news. 

"You  are  but  a  woman,"  said  he — as  though 
that  were  news  to  her  —  and  put  her  roughly 
away.  "  I  came  not  to  make  love,  but  to  make 
a  loan." 

Mrs.  Lank  was  a  proud  woman.  ' i  An  that  be 
the  case,"  said  she,  "we  will  go  into  the  house 
and  talk  it  over." 

Seated  in  the  house:  "My  jewels,  that  you 
did  me  the  honor  to  take,  would  not  last  you 
long,  I  feared,"  said  she,  "  so  I  expected  some 
thing  of  this  visit." 

"A  man  can  not  live  on  hearing  of  sermons 
and  smelling  two  rose-buds,"  replied  Lifiith. 

N".  B. — That  was  spoke  sarcasticul,  as  Sylva- 
nus  the  Sugary  says. 


36  L  IFF  ITU  LANK. 

The  upshot  of  it  all  was  that  Mrs.  Lank  ad 
vanced  him  five  dollars  on  his  personal  recog 
nizance.  It  being  nightfall  before  the  necessary 
negotiations  were  concluded,  Liffith  generously 
consented  to  stay  to  dinner,  and,  as  a  matter 
of  course,  got  drunk.  A  separate  apartment 
had  been  aired  and  placed  at  his  disposal,  but 
by  an  effort  of  "  organic  memory"  he  managed 
to  mistake  the  room,  nor  did  he  discover  the 
mistake  until  it  was  too  late  to  remedy  it. 

Such  little  mistakes  will  occur  in  the  best- 
regulated  families  —  especially  when  one  man 
maintains  two,  living  in  separate  counties. 

Early  the  next  morning  he  mounted  his  horse 
and  rode  away  to  the  dove-eyed  angel,  carrying 
five  dollars  in  his  pocket. 

"  There,"  said  he,  flinging  the  postal  currency 
down  on  the  table,  ' '  I  come  not  to  thee  empty- 
handed." 

'"JSTor  I  to  thee.  While  thou  wast  saying, 
'  Stand  and  deliver,'  see  what  I  did,"  said  Mer 
cy,  with  a  heavenly  smile,  pointing  to  a  cradle 
which  Liffith  had  not  before  observed.  It  con 
tained  a  boy  three  years  old. 

On  the  whole,  he  thought  he'd  go  back  to 
Kate  ;  and  Mercy,  on  hearing  the  whole  story, 
coincided  with  him  in  the  opinion  that  it  was  the 
best  thing  he  could  do  under  the  circumstances. 
Liffith  proposed  Utah,  if  his  other  wife  could  be 
brought  to  consent ;  but  the  dove-eyed  was  not 
willing  to  dovetail  into  any  such  an  arrangement. 


LIFFITH  LANK.  37" 

So  back  rode  he  to  Cucumberland.    But  here 
found  he  himself  in  a  sad  pickle.    For  Mrs. 


THE  "CRADLE  Soxo." 
A  clear  case  of  "  Who's  been  here  ?"  etc 


Lank  had  heard  of  his  goings  on.  Company 
was  in  the  house,  and  all  sat  at  dinner  when 
Liffith  entered  the  room. 


38  LIFFITH  LANK. 

"Is  there  place  for  one  more?"  said  lie  in 
quiringly. 

"No,"  replied  Mrs.  Lank  decisively,  as  she 
helped  Father  Francis  to  fish. 

Such  a  meeting  of  man  and  wife  never  I  nor 
any  one  else  saw. 

At  this  moment  one  idea  suddenly  and  simul 
taneously  occurred  to  all  the  well-bred  guests ; 
and  that  idea  was,  that  they  were,  perhaps,  de 
trop. 

Liffith  saw  them  leave  with  a  sinking  heart, 
for  well  knew  he  what  was  coming. 

Mrs.  Lank  called  him  a  Skulking  Skeesicks, 
and  threatened  to  collar  him  and  drag  him  be 
fore  a  jury  of  his  countrymen.  "The  consta 
bles  shall  come  for  you  in  the  morning,"  said 
she,  and  with  that  bade  Ryder  show  him  to  a 
room  in  the  attic. 

Little  liking  the  accommodations,  and  still  less 
the  idea  of  constables  in  the  morning,  Liffith 
waited  until  Ryder  had  left  the  room,  and  then, 
opening  the  window,  let  himself  down  to  the 
ground  by  the  tin  water-pipe  that  ran  along  the 
eaves. 

The  next  morning  Liffith  was  non  est  inventus. 
And  the  morning  after  the  next,  Mrs.  Lank  was 
arrested  on  suspicion  of  having  murdered  him. 

Before  hanging  her,  however,  it  was  necessary 
to  find  the  body.  Now  a  little  distance  from  the 
house  was  a  mere,  filled  with  carp  and  eels  and 


L  IF  FITS  LANK. 


39 


pike  and  other  fish,  always  fresh  and  fit  for  the 
table  from  the  fact  that  they  were  fed  principal 
ly  upon  parsons  and  peddlers.  It  was  a  mere 
suspicion  that  the  "body  was  here,  "but  they  de 
termined  to  drag  the  mere. 

For  some  time  they  dragged  nothing  to  the 
surface  but  parsons  and  peddlers  and  tin  pots 
and  broken  jugs,  but  at  length  they  clawed 
hold  of  something  else. 

"Draw  slowly,"  said  the  contractor,  "and  if 
it  is,  be  men,  and  hold  fast." 

The  men  drew  slowly,  slowly,  and  presently 
there  rose  to  the  surface  a  Thing  to  strike  terror 
and  loathing  to  the  stoutest  soul. 


A  Thing  to  strike  Terror  to  the  Stoutest  Soul. 


40  LIFFITH  LANK. 

It  was  not  an  editor,  nor  an  anonymous  cor 
respondent,  nor  a  Prurient  Prude.  It  was  the 
pair  of  hobnailed  shoes  before  alluded  to  in 
capital  letters.  They  were  identified  by  a  ground- 
mole,  found  in  one  of  them. 

With  this  evidence  against  her,  Mrs.  Lank?s 
case  was  regarded  as  hopeless  ;  but  neverthe 
less,  it  was  determined  to  make  an  effort  in  her 
defense.  Prominent  in  this  movement  was 
George  Neverill.  He  hoped  two  things :  first, 
that  Liffith  was  indeed  eaten  up  by  the  fish  in 
the  mere  ;  secondly,  that  Kate  would  be  ac 
quitted. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

HIN~GS  looked  serious. 

Ryder  had  heard  Mrs.  Lank  threaten 
her  husband,  and  a  splash  had  been 
heard  in  the  mere  that  night.  The  theory  that 
it  was  only  a  fish  jumping  was  laughed  to 
scorn. 

The  idea  that  Mercy  might  know  something 
about  the  whereabouts  of  Liffith  suggested  it 
self  to  Mrs.  Lank,  and  George  Neverill  was  dis 
patched  to  find  that  dove-eyed  angel.  But  she 
knew  no  more  about  it  all  than  the  other  Mrs. 
Lank. 


LIFFITH  LANK.  41 

A  notice  appearing  in  one  of  the  leading  dailies 
of  tlie  period,  that  a  gentleman  of  refinement, 
education,  and  wealth,  and  good-looking  withal, 
would  like  to  correspond  with  a  large  number  of 
young  ladies,  with  a  view  to  matrimony,  George 
suggested  that  this  must  "be  Lifnth.  But  Mercy 
said  no.  She  did  not  think  he  was  marrying 
nowadays  so  much  as  formerly. 

"What  shall  we  do?"  cried  Neverill  in  de 
spair. 

"Consult  the  spirits,"  replied  Mercy;  and  a 
circle  was  immediately  formed,  but  with  no  sat 
isfactory  result. 

One  spirit,  on  being  consulted,  rapped  out, 
A-D-V-E-R-T-I-S-E,  but  being  the  ghost  of  a 
newspaper  proprietor — whose  widow  continued 
the  business — the  advice  was  attributed  to  in 
terested  motives. 

Nevertheless,  she  and  George  laid  their  heads 
together,  and  concocted  the  following,  which  ap 
peared  among  the  "Personals"  in  all  the  city 
and  country  papers  soon  after : 

"If  Liffith  Lank,  who  is  suspected  of  having  been  murdered, 
will  send  his  address  to  either  of  his  wives,  or  apply  to  the 
Sheriff  of  this  county,  he  will  hear  of  something  to  his  advan 
tage.  eod2p&wtf." 

The  day  before  the  trial  iSTeverill  telegraphed 
Mercy  to  know  if  any  answer  had  come  to  the 
advertisement. 


42  L1FFITH  LANK. 

She  replied,  "No." 

To  this  telegram  there  were  two  postscript)? 
First  postscript,  in  a  tremulous  hand  : 
"  Consult  the  spirits." 
Second  postscript,  in  a  spiritual  hand  : 


"Nonsense!"  said  matter-of-fact  Mr.  Chouse- 
man,  "  we  have  enow  to  do  with  pumping  the 
witnesses,  let  alone  draining  the  mere.  We  want 
no  more  parsons  and  peddlers." 


CHAPTER  IX. 

OURT  was  in  session. 

1  c  Katrine  Lank, ' '  said  the  Judge, <  i  look 
me  in  the  face." 
The  prisoner  turned  her  eyes  slowly  upon  him. 
He  saw  in  an  instant  that  she  was  not  looking  at 
him,  and  was  albout  to  commit  her  for  contempt, 
when  an  old  friend  of  the  family  stepped  up,  and 
explained  the  peculiarity  of  the  grand  and  beau 
tiful  orbs. 

Mr.    Whitworth,    the   junior  counsel  for  the 
Crown,  then  rose  to  open  the  case  ;  but  the  pris- 


LIFFITH  LANK.  43 

oner,  with  a  pale  face,  Ibut  most  courteous  de 
meanor,  begged  Ms  leave  to  ask  a  previous  ques 
tion  of  the  court.  Mr.  Whitworth  bowed,  and 
sat  down. 

"  My  lord,"  said  she,  looking  the  Judge 
dreamily  in  the  face,  "what  think  you  of  the 
doctrine  of  the  Immaculate  Conception?" 

At  this  the  crier  shouted,  ' i  O  yez  !  O  yez !  O 
yez  !"  and  the  trial  went  on. 

But  I  will  not  weary  the  reader  with  a  detail 
of  the  tedious  process  of  an  English  court  of  law. 

Various  witnesses  gave  their  testimony,  and 
Mrs.  Lank  subjected  each  to  a  severe  cross-ex 
amination  upon  the  dogmas  of  the  Church. 

At  the  conclusion  of  the  case  for  the  prosecu 
tion,  the  prisoner  stated  that  she  should  only  call 
one  witness  for  the  defense. 

"  Mercy  Yintner  !"  cried  she. 

And  Mercy  Vintner,  who  had  been  consulting 
the  spirits  in  a  side-room,  stepped  forward. 

"  State  to  the  court  what  you  know  about  the 
case,"  said  Mrs.  Lank. 

"  Nothing,  an  please  your  lordship,"  said 
Mercy,  with  a  courtesy,  ubut  that  Liffith  Lank 
an't  dead  yet." 

"  But  twenty  witnesses  declare  that  he  is,"  re 
marked  the  Judge.  "  The  balance  of  evidence  is 
against  you."  And  despite  an  appealing  look 
from  the  dove-eyed  angel,  he  was  about  to  put  on 
his  black  cap  and  pass  sentence,  for  it  was  already 


*4  LIFFTTH  LANK. 

past  Ms  dinner  hour.  But  Mercy  quietly  took  a 
note  from  her  reticule  and  handed  it  to  him. 

The  note  was  from  Liffith,  and  was  addressed 
to  the  Judge.  It  briefly  stated  that  he  was  alive  ; 
but  that  he  did  not  like  to  present  himself  for  a 
family  reason — or  rather  for  a  two-family  reason. 
He  had  read  about  jails  in  a  work  by  a  popular 
author,  entitled  "  Never  Too  Late  to  End,"  and 
did  not  wish  to  make  close  acquaintance  with  the 
punishment-jacket,  and  cranks,  cold  douclies,  and 
visiting  justices.  He  concluded,  by  asking  the 
Judge  to  dine  with  him  when  he  happened  to 
drop  down  his  way  ;  paid  a  score  of  compliments 
to  both  his  wives,  and  threatened  to  whip  any 
body  who  hanged  either  of  them. 

The  court  "was  at  once  dismissed,  and  Mrs. 
Lank  apologized  to  a  jury  of  her  countrymen 
for  the  trouble  she  had  given  them.  She  entered 
no  legal  proceedings  against  her  husband,  fearful 
that,  even  if  found  guilty,  the  jury  would  recom 
mend  him  to  Mercy. 


LIWWITH- LANK.  45 


CHAPTER  X. 

CHANGE  came  over  Mrs.  Lank  from  that 
day  forward.      She  had  learned  that  the 
law  will  not  allow  even  a  woman  to 
threaten  to  collar  any  body  with  impunity. 

In  the  mean  time,  Liffith  Lank,  Esq,  who  had 
succeeded  to  an  immense  and  independent  for 
tune  in  his  own  right,  reappeared  in  public.  It 
was  said  that  he  had  compromised  matters  with 
the  Vintners,  but  whether  he  had  or  not,  no  suit 
at  law  was  brought  against  him,  and  he  set  about 
building  a  fine  house,  with  large  grounds  and  con 
servatories,  but  no  meres  and  fish-ponds  about  the 
premises. 

Mrs.  Lank  heard  of  the  new  place,  and  riding 
past  there  one  day,  thought  how  much  finer  it 
was  than  Hernshaw  Castle. 

One  day  she  received  a  note  in  a  well-known 
hand  of  write.  She  had  been  expecting  some 
thing  of  the  kind,  and  it  caused  her  no  surprise. 
It  contained  but  these  words  : 

"  MADAM  :  I  do  not  ask  you  to  forgive  me.  But  I  have  built 
a  fine  new  house  of  Milwaukee  brick,  furnished  with  all  the  mod 
ern  improvements — gas,  water,  bells,  and  speaking-tubes,  and  only 
five  minutes'  walk  frcm  the  depot.  I  have  also  abandoned  all  idea 


46  L  IF  PITH  LANK. 

i 

of  going  into  the  liotel  business  in  another  county.     Your  apart 
ments  are  ready  for  you. 

"  With  renewed  assurances  of  my  most  distinguished  considera 
tion,  I  remain,  your  husband,  LIFFITH  LANK." 

The  messenger  awaited  a  reply. 

"I  will  consult  my  child,"  said  Mrs.  Lank. 
And  calling  to  her  little  girl,  cetat  eighteen 
months,  who  was  playing  in  the  parlor,  she 
asked  would  it  have  some  sugar-plums? 

"  'Es,"  lisped  little  Rose. 

"  As  you  please,"  said  Mrs.  Lank,  and  sat 
down  and  wrote  as  follows : 

"  Sm  :  I  have  consulted  my  child,  and  we  both  agree  to  submit 
to  your  judgment.  Please  send  a  carriage. 

"  Yours  respectfully,  KATRINE  LANK. 

"  P.  S.  I  have  no  objection  to  going  a  short  distance  into  the 
country." 

The  thing  was  done. 

In  the  mean  while,  Providence  having  kindly 
killed  off  the  offspring  of  her  affair  with  Liffith — 
the  little  fellow  clearly  had  no  right  to  stand  in 
the  way  of  his  mother' s  making  a  good  match — 
George  JSTeverill  had  married  the  dove-eyed  angel. 
The  two  families  exchanged  cards,  but  did  not 
visit  each  other. 

So  my  task  is  ended. 

I  have  aimed  to  show  that  bigamy  is  against 
the  law,  and  hope  I  have  succeeded. 

In  the  present  case  it  happens,  unfortunately, 


LIFF1TH    LANK.  47 

that  the  only  one  who  felt  the  terrors  of  the  law, 
and  came  near  suffering  its  penalties,  was  the  in 
jured  wife.  And  the  only  persons  who  were 
called  upon  to  suffer  at  all  were  the  three  really 
innocent  ones,  George  Neverill,  the  dove-eyed 
angel,  and  the  little  boy — the  first  having  been 
jilted,  the  second  most  cruelly  deceived  and  in 
jured,  and  the  last  carried  off  by  the  scarlet  fever 
to  make  room  for  a  father-in-law.  As  for  Liffith, 
he  had  the  satisfaction  of  living  with  the  two 
prettiest  women  in  England,  and  escaping  with 
out  even  a  suit  for  damages.  Under  the  circum- 


Showing  what  a  man  can  achieve  by  honest  industry. 

stances,  an  action  for  breach  of  promise  could 
scarcely  have  been  made  to  lie.     On  the  whole, 


48  L  IF  PITH    LANK. 

our  hero  can  not  be  held  up  as  an  example  to 
young  men.  But  these  are  the  facts,  and  I  sim 
ply  tell  them.  Que  voulez  vous  ?  Is  not  virtue 
its  own  reward  ? 


NOTE  TO  THE  THIRD  EDITION. — The  publication  of  the  third 
edition  of  this  illustrated  and  illustrious  work,  renders  a  further 
word  of  explanation  necessary.  Although  my  indebtedness  to  Mr. 
Beade  remains  uncanceled,  I  am  no  longer  indebted  to  Eytinge 
for  the  drawings,  having  been  chased  around  town  the  better  part 
of  a  day  by  that  muscular  hewer  of  wood-cuts  and  drawer  of 
water-colors,  until,  finally  cornered,  I  was  compelled  to  satisfy  his 
exorbitant  demands  under  threat  of  physical  violence.  I  may  here 
remark  that,  in  drawing  on  me,  he  did  a  funnier  thing  than  ever 
he  drew  on  wood.  But  though  he  has  proved  himself  to  have  an 
etching  palm,  I  have  changed  my  mind  as  to  the  merit  of  his 
designs ;  indeed  the  most  cursory,  as  well  as  the  most  inveterate 
and  veteran  observer  can  not  fail  to  see,  with  the  very  nakedest  eye, 
that  he  has  failed  to  catch  the  spirit — I  might  almost  say  the  body 
— of  my  text.  Under  any  circumstances  there  is  something  highly 
indelicate  about  the  presentation  of  a  bill ;  but  what  shall  be  thought 
of  the  man  who  requests  you  to  "  Fork  the  stumpy !"  inflicting 
upon  your  feelings  by  this  combination  of  the  language  of  the 
swell-mob  with  the  mercenariness  of  the  counting-room  a  double 
shock  ?  Can  such  a  man  have  the  soul  of  an  artist  ?  Is  the  phrase 
paletteable?  C.  H.  W 


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